Tuesday, July 20, 2010
maybe i should be posting about how i felt the night before.
it still scares me so, to suddenly jerk awake in the middle of the night, feeling so so cold and as though i was gonna die cause my heartbeat was irregular. the fear at that moment, is something i've never felt before.
the first thought was whether i should go find my parents while they're fast asleep for some sort of comfort or to ask them to take me to the docs, or to my sister's room so that at least, i'd have someone beside me, not being alone, in my cold dark room, eyes wide open in fear as i feel my irregular heartbeat go, coupled up with the "i think i'm gonna die" kinda feeling.
i wish i didnt ever have to feel this way again. why do i have to have heart problem, while others dont? i really wish i can make it go away.. its a very very terrible feeling until i didnt dare to sleep ytd. even messaged ming a weird message...i'm so terribly embarrased.
i rather it's mental problem then heart problem honestly, but i know i'm kidding myself.
i still feel terrible now, but am trying to stay cheerful.
i wish i had someone who'd accompany me through this shit.
my mum has the same problem as me, but at least she has my dad beside her each time it happened.
i feel so sad that i always have to live in fear.
my very first thought when i woke up in fear was "i cant die, my parents have done so much for me, i gotta work and earn money and support them first. at least until its sufficient". i wish they know how much i love them.
no one can understand how i feel. but the feeling of panicking and feel like you're nearing death, is incomprehensible to many.
i still fear, i still fear until i dont dare to sleep everynight. );
i wish this fear would fade away. i wish i can live like a normal person to a ripe old age, even if its 70, i think it's sufficient for me. as long as my heart problem goes away...but who am i kidding? there's no cure for this. none in medical science at the moment...none...
so afraid. so scared. so wanna cry. cant blame me for being pessimistic now right.
it still scares me so, to suddenly jerk awake in the middle of the night, feeling so so cold and as though i was gonna die cause my heartbeat was irregular. the fear at that moment, is something i've never felt before.
the first thought was whether i should go find my parents while they're fast asleep for some sort of comfort or to ask them to take me to the docs, or to my sister's room so that at least, i'd have someone beside me, not being alone, in my cold dark room, eyes wide open in fear as i feel my irregular heartbeat go, coupled up with the "i think i'm gonna die" kinda feeling.
i wish i didnt ever have to feel this way again. why do i have to have heart problem, while others dont? i really wish i can make it go away.. its a very very terrible feeling until i didnt dare to sleep ytd. even messaged ming a weird message...i'm so terribly embarrased.
i rather it's mental problem then heart problem honestly, but i know i'm kidding myself.
i still feel terrible now, but am trying to stay cheerful.
i wish i had someone who'd accompany me through this shit.
my mum has the same problem as me, but at least she has my dad beside her each time it happened.
i feel so sad that i always have to live in fear.
my very first thought when i woke up in fear was "i cant die, my parents have done so much for me, i gotta work and earn money and support them first. at least until its sufficient". i wish they know how much i love them.
no one can understand how i feel. but the feeling of panicking and feel like you're nearing death, is incomprehensible to many.
i still fear, i still fear until i dont dare to sleep everynight. );
i wish this fear would fade away. i wish i can live like a normal person to a ripe old age, even if its 70, i think it's sufficient for me. as long as my heart problem goes away...but who am i kidding? there's no cure for this. none in medical science at the moment...none...
so afraid. so scared. so wanna cry. cant blame me for being pessimistic now right.
spin me silly, 9:11 PM.
